In Loving Memory of ZAKEY KALID My Love, Many years we wasted loving one another so much and not acting on it. I have never loved another, nor will I. The moment our eyes met, I knew you were the other half of my soul. I was right. Part of me has died with you. What am I going to do without you? Without knowing you are here to love me back? You have been my strength and my life for over 12 years. I look at our babies and I see you. The babies we were supposed to have together. The family we talked about raising. I see your eyes; I see your smile. I miss your arms around me and the way you kissed me so full of love. I have never been shown love the way you have shown me over the years. So much heartache and pain. To know the man you are in love with is right down the road, wanting you just as much … and not being together. I am so sorry I did not try harder. All the times you were going to move away with me, I should have put you on a plane and taken you away from all of this. But I did not want to take you from Ma whom needed you so much. I do not know how I will make it knowing you are not there to hope for. I can not dream of the future we always talked about. I should have been stronger. I should have walked in and grabbed you and taken you with me. The last day I saw you, I should have grabbed you and brought you home. I should have married you and stuck by you. I still go by and look at my wedding dress and my ring I once wore on my finger that you placed there. I wear a stone on my left hand very similar to remember you each day. Why did you leave me all alone in this world? What am I going to do now? I spent all this time just waiting for you. Waiting for you to be healthy and safe so that we could marry and raise our babies. You promised me. Only you know what happens after we leave this place. But I know it is written in the stars for you and I to be together if not in this lifetime then another. You will always be my husband. You will be loved and honored and I will make sure our babies tell our grandbabies about how wonderful you are. You will stay right here with me in my heart until we can be together again. When I see your eyes so full of love for me gazing from a distance. Tell your daddy Hello for me and give him a huge hug and kiss. We miss him so much. I will be there with you soon. I must stay for the children. If it were not for them, I do not see how I can bare to live these years without you. I miss you. I long for you. You do not have to fight anymore my love. You can rest now. Now you know we all love you anyway. None of the things you worried about mattered. We know your heart. That is what we remember. I miss you holding my hands in yours. Telling me you have never loved another like you love me. Knowing with every day passing by I was on your mind just as you were on mine. I miss your voice. I miss your scent and your hair pressing against me face as we embraced. The beautiful way in which we made love. The way you would tremble and cry at times overwhelmed with emotion. These past few months without you were so difficult. Not even seeing you. I tried to move on but could not. I should have forced you to see we could make it. I should have been stronger and made you realize you were not just good enough. You were better than anyone. Did I let you know that enough? Did I tell enough? How wonderful you are? I know you felt my love but did you know how much I respect you and how very special you are? You used to ask me why? You always asked me why? Why do you love me? Why do you love me so much? I tried to tell you how special you are how wonderful you are. With all your love and so much to give. You were just a victim baby. You could not help the things that happened to you. The things you did. You know my father fell the same way. He is a victim too. And my brother. I know you could not help it. I understand now. I know that you could not stop, even if it meant we could not be together. I do understand. I know that you never loved me any less. I was always number one in your heart, though your actions at times did not show it. But now the sickness can not keep us apart. Nothing can keep you from me. You are right here with me. You are safe again, you have no more battles. I love you! Love is not a strong enough word. You and I were made for one another. You are the other half of me. I will be with you soon my love. For now... stay here in my heart and watch over me when I am crying myself to sleep with all of the lonely nights ahead of me. I love you baby! I do not know how to live. I do not know how to breath. I see no happiness ahead for me. Youare all I have ever wanted in my life. No one could ever come close to being as wonderful as you. I don't know what to do. I wake up every dayand ask myself why? What am I here for? Have we not suffered enough? Why did you go and leave me without trying? I could have helped you, I could have saved you. I killed you, I am such a fool. I let fear get in the way. All the years... I just had to walk in. Thats it... Just walk in the door. But I watched from outside. I stayed in the car watching you from the street, crying wishing you were there with me, wanting to touch you. Wanting to hold that beautiful face in my hands and just look into your eyes forever. I was scared. I took too long.. I was not demanding enough. I let weakness ruin me again. I am so sorry I failed you. How do I go on? Knowing you will never be here with me at night to listen to your heart beating? Not being able to hold your hands, to kiss your scarred arms and cry for your pain? I am so lost baby... I died with you.. and I am still unable to have you. There must be a reason why we have had to suffer. I know there has to be a happy ending sometime... somewhere.. I am so unbelievably blessed to have been loved by you. Thank you god for giving his heart to me. For letting me know him.Please help us to be together again someday. I live for him.. I was created for him.. I know he was my purpose for being here. Give him back to me.. please... I love you Zakey... Your wife eternally

CHRIS

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